The Awakening continued.

As I find myself shaking away that last little bit of sleep from my eyes, I am discovering that this “brave new world” we are approaching has the makings of a place reserved for the fantasy section of the library. The “liberty and justice for all” that we have been so eloquently promised and forced to memorize is now becoming what seems to be an attainable truth for once. Regardless of my patriotic affiliation, I can safely declare that “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” are not things I should aspire to have, rather endowments I am inherently entitled to. The problem is, that our unalienable rights are a commodity, carelessly traded for power. The basis of our fundamental framework for society is essentially a turd dipped in gold that my “leaders” have packaged as a gift.

I remember during my first trip to Washington D.C. before ever leaving elementary school, being enamored at the history, architecture, and incredible power contained within this metropolis. The Capitol was the birthplace of the greatest civilization on earth. I was walking the same grounds that the greatest men on earth, once roamed. Although the concept was novel at the time, there was no question that as a people, we shared the responsibility that placed these great men of God in their positions. There was a time when this responsibility came with a great sense of pride. The problem is, that the pride was short lived.

In a sense, this was my first true awakening; Independence was a charade, and freedom was for sale.

Before I was even able to develop a truly independent opinion on politics and how it would pertain to me as a (semi) functioning adult…I experienced 9/11. I was not even 18 and I had just witnessed what would become the genesis of the America I was a part of. The way I saw it was there was never a greater display of betrayal by my own country than on that day. We can skip all the conspiracy bullshit and call it what it is, the United States of America was being dismantled from the inside. I had yet to exercise my right to vote and already I was utterly disgusted with the country I call my own.

I have never been one to take information at face value, to do so would be a betrayal of the limitless depth of the mind I have been gifted. However I found myself loathing politics and what it stood for. I had no hope for a figurehead to have the common mans voice as a genuine interest. Oxycontin was flowing freely, the poppy fields of Afghanistan were under American “control” and the pharmafia proved their reach extended far beyond that of any politicians desire for the greater good. I became ignorant to the quiet voice in me that whispered promises of hope; the prospect of “real change” did nothing but make me chuckle in disgust. Opiates were the new crack, and suburban, middle to upper class white America was being disrupted. My entire generation was ultimately collateral damage, the same could be said for everyone I knew in some way. As long as I was medicated, I was numb, I was checked out and the free thinker within me had been placed in a cage. I had been infected with a virus, once that caused metaphorical respiratory issues, suffocating my sense of liberty.

While the existence of COVID-19 is very real, the virus we are currently fighting is not truly a physical one. This virus is one that I and many of my brothers and sisters in the world have been infected with. The virus we fight is one that has corrupted that which we know to be real and true within our belief systems.

Virus (n): 2. a piece of code which is capable of copying itself and typically has a detrimental effect, such as corrupting the system or destroying data

The scheme has been progressing slowly, persistently, and quite calculated by forces that are greater than the world we are presented in text books and media outlets. There are those who have seen it all along, others who have been told but retain healthy disbelief, and there are those who act as if it is what it is. I have refused to have the veil of disillusionment draped over my souls eyes; the truth is so incredibly evident to me at a deeply spiritual level. The patriotic spirit we as American’s have been indoctrinated with has been dormant for far too long yet I find it stirring within with near atomic intensity. The ruse is disassembling at the seams, and the cosmic fabric is being connected by elevated minds insisting on a true spiritual purge and revelation. For too long the people have been asleep, buried beneath the lies and deception of our leaders. There is no stopping the storm that is coming their way. The people will not sleep forever, and all actions must be accounted for at some point. I believe we have reached the tipping point as a society, and the next chapter is going to be reminiscent of the land of hope and freedom we ALL were once promised.

The Great Awakening.

It seems almost too good to be true, the recently blank canvas of creativity that is usually fluorescent with ideas and inspirations seems to have it’s first splatters of life in quite some time. The previously dormant synapses of my brain are illuminating in areas I have never visited yet somehow recognize. I am emotionally amplified in a socially distant World; a place that is simultaneously in stationary chaos. It seems as if I have taken front row seats, center stage of the orchestra, to the greatest dress rehearsal in the history of mankind; a play that is being witnessed through the looking glass of an existential microscope.

There are seldom moments that are of such great magnitude that the entire world comes to a halt, yet March 22, 2020 is exactly a moment in time that can be the exception. Our digital age of experience has many glitches, however it seems as if we have a true virus. There is a threat embedded within the fiber optics of the metaphysical mainframe, that simultaneously exists in the physical domain in an incredibly sinister fashion. For some people the world is simply the 5 senses as we were taught: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. I would be remiss to say I believe these to be the sensory arsenal in their entirety without including empathy. There is a frequency that we as embodied containers of energy emit, and whether I like it or not I have an antenna tapped into that station. Off in the distance there echoes a distress call. The world is crying for help.

“E PLURIBUS UNUM: OUT OF MANY, ONE

There is a revolution happening while the world sleeps.We the people are hosting an infection methodically spreading with voracious intent through the entire World. There are no bombs being dropped, but it could not be more clear that we are at war. The enemy has no face, consumes no space, it simply exists with omnipresent invisibility.

Is it possible that by creating the idea of an “invisible enemy” that discriminates against no nation, race, religion, or sex is exactly what the world needed? By collectively removing the targets off our fellow brothers and sisters and taking aim at a greater, common enemy we have the shared interest to unite or collectively perish.

It is possible that a group of intelligent, military strategists and scientists have formulated this common enemy, There also remains the possibility that the universe herself is in a metamorphosis, leapfrogging the galaxy, searching for the next frequency that reads clearly. The sheer history we are writing now is uncharted, to me, but well mapped to generations past. Life is encountering monumental shifts in ideology and perception that only physics can quantify.

Regardless of ones perception as fact, the world is awestruck, as if our conscious has just reached the summit of a new mountain and the vastness of the terrain below us is incapable of being described with mere dialect. This place is the otherworldly sensation of chills personified. This experience is happening right before our eyes, but not all can see this new world before us. There are some who do not have the strength to make this voyage, there are those who make the trek and fail to recognize the significance, and there are those that consume each cosmic footprint we leave across the stars as we travel into the future. I like to believe I am am in the latter group.

I can not help but feel as if I am traveling through time by accepting the madness surrounding me as a critical ingredient in the plan. The core of my soul is suspended, weightless, completely reliant on the laws of nature to handle me with care, as the picture unfolds before my eyes. The revolution has not been televised.

There are so many layers within this current experience of life that I am neglecting sleep tonight in order to unpack it all, and hopefully quiet my mind. At the very least it must be materialized while the subject is fresh. It is as if I have just woke up from a dream, attempting to articulate the lucidity of my slumber…only to find myself questioning if in fact I was ever asleep or is the dream only beginning? I am in the matrix, on the 3rd layer of inception, listening through the opposing wall of this galaxy, while looking through the crawlspace of my mind for answers.

The story is unfolding before my very eyes, I am merely a passenger on this cosmic shuttle taking my personal account as we wait to land. This is the great awakening.

Nothing at all.

I have found myself lacking inspiration enough to even spew my rhetorical psychobabble. I have struggled with feeing as if there is something wrong with me. The depths of my introspection have hit a metaphorical basement floor. It’s so hard to accept and simply just BE, however I am finding that it’s what I’m required to do.

Just as the leaves rejuvenate in the spring and the sun retires at a later hour, clocking in the overtime that the outdoor enthusiast celebrate; I find myself in a season removed from the writing. I can only ascertain that there is nothing to understand at this juncture other than my attentions are turned in other directions.

I hope to find the motivation to one day commit to this craft, finding exotic locations taking place of the office. That time however is not today. Today I will live a Friday night as I might typically live it…with my love, consuming spirits, and gambling on sports as we venture off into the eve.

In a room full of answers

The library is an amazing place where nearly every question can be answered. The smell of paperback novels, memoirs, historical accounts, and fictitious tales of mystical adventures fill the air. The echoes of faint whispers barely fade out behind the lofty carol of the bells playing down the hall. There is hardly a sign of life, yet in some fashion, every life ever lived is represented with an ISBN. The library is a sanctuary where there are no membership fees, no charge to get in; the only requirement is a thirst for knowledge and a hunger for information. The wifi is free, the seats are comfortable, the heat is on, and the possibilities are endless. It is in the confines of this building that I find myself today looking for clarity.

My mind is hungry, my spirit unsettled, and my direction remains uncertain. There is so much in this world that I desire, but at the core of it all I find myself bumping into the metaphorical wall of questions. What is it that I truly desire in life? Is my quest to discover my calling in life ever going to turn up answers? Is it possible to work a job that I have no desire for while pursuing a life I truly want? These are the questions I find myself asking today (and most days). Why I came to a library to find these answers, I am not quite sure.

I wish I could just turn my thoughts off sometimes. The overclocked PC of a brain I have leads me to a repetitive cycle of frustration fueled by passion. I want to be great at whatever I do, but whatever I do must have a great purpose. The allure of money is not something that gets my heart racing and spurs me to action. Helping someone get through a tough time is something I get excited about. I would rather live a simple life and change lives than make a million dollars. This is where the frustration sets in: the treasures I seek come in the form of riches that have no monetary value. One can not simply pay the bills by making karma deposits and that sucks! Money has never brought me true happiness (not that I have ever had an abundance of it to know). There is great irony in the fact that I recently made the most commission I have ever made at my job, yet feel so disconnected from my purpose.

When I get totally honest with myself, I don’t care about selling you a product. I don’t care if the potential to be a millionaire exists. I find little concern with the tax brackets above me and the amount of commas on your check. I believe in living life with purpose and living on purpose. This is quite the conundrum I find myself in however. Life isn’t fair. Money is a necessity. Being a good person doesn’t pay the bills, and having good intentions doesn’t mean the road to finding the answers is any easier, yet here I am lost in a room full of answers.

Chasing a dream

So many of us were asked as kids what it was we desired to be when we became grown. Like many of you, I had lofty expectations and dreams, which at the time seemed easily attainable. I am not sure if the line where one becomes grown is a bit unclear, or perhaps my ambitions (while courageous) were beyond my reach; the reality that unfolded did not look like the dreams I had as a child.

I had dreams of being a baseball star with the glove and swagger of “the kid” Ken Griffey Jr. My free time as a young boy was voraciously consumed with the crimson stitched, white rawhide sphere, sunflower seeds, and backwards New Era fitted hat, the starter kit for the cul de sac diamond. My intro into business economics was berthed over Upper Deck and Topps rarities and a Beckett price guide. To say that I dreamed of becoming a baseball player would be a lie, I was already one who just wasn’t famous yet.

Life doesn’t have a set course, nothing makes complete sense, and yet somehow we are supposed to navigate it fearlessly, head up, and accepting of the challenges we encounter. I am not sure if I am defective or not, but that just isn’t easy. To be clear, I know I am not defective, in fact I find that I am rather driven and battle tested in ways that give me some hope in tough times. However, the journey remains a worthy opponent; strategically providing opposition to mold us to be a better version of ourselves.

One day at a time I am given the chance to make myself a better version of the man I was yesterday. Outside of this, I have absolutely ZERO control or influence. It is my responsibility to give a compliment where I can, lend a listening ear to a troubled friend or loved one, call that someone to remind them that I miss them, stand up for myself when I am disrespected, and at all costs love myself. Outside of the current moment lies the future or past, each of which is but a dream.

Despite the fact that I have not signed a MLB contract, I still have to grow. Despite my dreams not materializing, I still have a desire to push on and become the man I am destined to be. Anything lost can be found again except time wasted. Vision without action is merely a dream, and I’m not interested in wasting time or dreaming my life away. Today is a new day!

Persistence breaks resistance.

I have always found “persistence breaks resistance” to be somewhat of a mantra for me. It is my take on the many popular sayings expressing the same sentiment: if at first you don’t succeed try and try again, even a broken clock is right 2 times a day, and so forth. While I truly believe this with all my heart, there are just some times when a break seems to be the more logical of options. In my case, I find myself in a rut and keep pressing forward, hoping somehow I am going to snap out of it. I wake up, meditate, read my devotion, exercise, do my best to be conscious of positive thoughts throughout the day, eat healthy, and at the end of the day I still feel a void. My head can be a cluttered space, riddled with a labyrinth of psychological obstacles, some big and some small…all equally influential in conditioning me to navigate the synapses that manifest in the frustration I am experiencing. So, I find myself back at the board, systematically punching keys to formulate some constant train of thought that might take shape into some semblance of a sense making that will in turn give me some clarity.

I find it therapeutic to write, it might be alphabetical vomit at times, but in the end I feel relieved to some degree (as a good guttural expulsion should do). As it pertains to the persistence theme, I am hoping that by writing regularly, I may look back and see that during this time of uncertainty in my funk, that it was truly nothing all along. I might even divulge that it is during these times that I do my deepest soul searching instead of just cowering to the confusion that could easily be manifested into complacency. I am a thinker, it has it’s drawbacks at times, however I am grateful that the master of the universe gave me a mind that requires answers and finds unrest in the unknown. There are far too many individuals that take life as it is, not bothered by the questions unanswered; accepting what is told to be fact without taking the time to truly evaluate their truth. I have never been the one to take the path most traveled. I fail to find the adventure in knowing that the journey has been done before. If there is one thing I have promised myself, it was that I would write my own story and regret nothing in the process. While I wish I could say that I have made all the right choices, I will not dwell on the things that could have been. I am who I am meant to be and where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I may be a bit of a control freak, I like to call it OCD (the clinical recognition makes it sound a little better to me). Regardless, I like to know that everything has its place and belongs in that place. The biggest struggle I have with this as it pertains to my own life, is I am truly not in control of anything, yet the illusion that I am gives gives temporary comfort. If I can just make the right career moves, save the right amount of money, talk to the right people, attend the right events, I will be able to strategically place myself in the right place to excel and gain an advantage in life. There is no harm in being conscious of these things, but I have come to learn that life abides by no rules and has no predictable patterns. I just desire to be at the open doors that god creates for me when the time is right. I must go with the flow.

I suppose I must get back to the job that pays my bills. It has been fun rambling once again to the audience that doesn’t yet exist. I hope in due time that there may come a day that I can use this platform to discuss the inner workings of my mind, existential questions of days yet to come, and memories of days not forgotten to help the next person feel a like they’re not the only ones with the same struggles. At the end of the day it is about progress and not perfection. I will press on towards the goal (whatever that my be).

When wanting more is acceptable

It is often said that wanting more is a fast lane to unhappiness. I am not sure that I am quoting that right, heck…I am not even sure if anyone of notoriety has even said something of the sort but I think it sounds logical. To want more is often a gluttonous behavior and is a lack of gratitude for what we currently have. I know the battlefield for the mind is where our lives are made and destroyed, and today I am waging war on the topic of “MORE”.

I just want to do something in this life to make a difference and there are just some days when I am sitting at my desk wondering why I feel like I am wasting my life. I do not see myself being a saint, but I just can’t help but scream internally when I feel like my work is so pointless. I just hate that I feel as if I could be making a difference in the world instead of making money for someone else. Unfortunately that is not how the world works, and I need this job. I need to make money to pay bills so I don’t have a slough of REAL problems to complain about and bring me unnecessary stress.

I just feel like I have reached a plateau in my professional life, and I am not sure where to go with it next. I do not want to succumb to the need for stimulation and jump ship just to have something new, but I also don’t want to become stagnant. In order to become great, it is imperative to be surrounded by great individuals. This is no slight at my work environment, but I do not feel as if anyone here is going to help me get to the next level of greatness that I want to achieve. I am so passionate about despising mediocrity that the mere thought of allowing that to become a part of my routine angers me, yet I feel as if it is accepted around here. I know what I am capable of and I know that I have a skill set that can be an asset to a company and to feel as if that skill set is undervalued is beyond frustrating.

I do not expect to change the world where I am sitting, but I also do not want my desire to believe I can to be extinguished by the environment I work in. Life has ups and downs, and I want to be very careful in my objective view of where I am at. I feel passionless at the moment, I feel unappreciated, underutilized, and lacking a support group that can help me reach the next level of success and more importantly, professional growth. While I know that feelings are fleeting, there is a fire within me that is sputtering out and I am the only one responsible for keeping it alive. I can’t blame my work, but it would certainly be nice if I felt like the lack of passion was noticed. The problem is, I can come in to work, do the bare minimum, and get paid. That’s complete bullshit! Mediocrity is a disease and I will not contract it.

I just want more and I don’t know what that looks like at the moment.