The exhausting saga of the dub dub

This year, it’s exhausting. Never in my life have I been so aware of the three ringed circus sideshow that I live in. There is no spiritual enlightenment required to see the absolute fucking shit hole the state of our nation’s affairs are in. There is a problem with truly awakening to the reality of our existence, and that is the inability to ever go back to sleep. I surmise that calling that a “problem” might be a bit misguided, however it would certainly make tolerating the world a little easier.

Is it possible to identify with both sides of an argument and still be right? It seems as if everyone has to pick a team, you are either blue or red, anything else is nonexistent and lord knows the last thing us social beings want is to be isolated and incapable of identifying with a cause. Everyone must believe in something or die for nothing; this is where my present quandary is birthed. I am grateful for diversity, differing opinions, alternative ideas, and progressive thinkers. Life would be so incredibly mundane without recognizing our own individual beliefs and expressing them. The first amendment was created as numero uno for this very reason: FREEDOM.

As a human we have the right to say and believe whatever the fuck we want and that is OK! However, there is this slight little inconvenience, a parasitic weed that has been slowly rooting itself into the soil of that hearty, healthy, soil of freedom. There is no real name or face required to clearly illustrate who this parasite is, it simply exists to destroy. Some refer to this as evil, some call it the republicans or democrats, some call it the devil. Whatever the name may be, the point is that it is incredibly crafty at using our god given rights as weapons formed against us. I am free to tell someone that their beliefs are completely ridiculous and asinine, and in turn can and will likely be shamed and belittled. Our opinions are now hostile threats, our debates and protests are now domestic terrorism. It is as if we live in a world that has totally forgotten the fundamental beliefs and core values we were built upon. More than that, it is as if we are no longer allowed to uphold these beliefs without fearing for the very liberty the fundamentals were established to protect.

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

WHAT HAPPENED?! Am I the only one who thinks that the future looks completely fucked? How do we recover as a nation at this point? I hate feeling so doom and gloom about it, but I have to think that I am somewhat of a realist. The common welfare is no longer “common” and this is a huge problem. I should not feel as if I have no voice and that the cause is too lost to bother caring. I do my best to shed some light of optimism on the future but I just have a very tough time seeing it. The truth of the matter is my immediate life is satisfactory but the external stimuli of the world right now are a constant reminder that leaving my bubble of ignorance is probably a dumb decision. Am I a bad, insensitive, uncaring, tyrant because I would rather play xbox than engage in superficial conversations about our presidential race, masks, COVID, riots, and the endless police brutality? I surely hope not…my ignorance is not out of a lack of care, it is simply because I am just fucking exhausted by the endless saga of the dub dub (2020) and I am hoping to maintain any level of peace and sanity I have left.

The story is not over, and hopefully this is just the part where the chaos climaxes and we can all move into the next chapter, anticipatory of things greater. Until then, I will stand firm in my belief that ALL men and women are created equally and we all have our own individual right to pursue happiness however we see fit. There will come a day when this is the common vision and goal of even those in positions of power. Perhaps I will go out of my way today, to be that reminder the world needs in a time of utter madness and unrest.

Complex machine

There are some days where I am a passive observer of the lives around me, peacefully amused at the array of idiosyncrasies I witness as they play out. Each one of us an actor in our own melodramas and comedies. The human experience is beautiful chaos, and we are but mere notes of a chord in the orchestra of infinity. There is a magnitude to the melody in which we find ourselves, as if every step were precisely laid out to a harmony of peace.

I probably do too much thinking, and not the thinking that means I am some deep intellect. As of late I have discovered that I have a severe god complex. I am not a megalomaniac, because I have no power to boast of. I have an obsession with knowing how things work, will work, and should have worked. It would be fair to argue that perhaps my brain is that of an scientist or an engineer, these are archetypes that seem to fit that mold. However the inquiries I ponder consume me at times, as if I will not be satisfied until I have answers to questions I don’t even know.

Making sense of the madness

Art requires inspiration for most to produce a piece of any real value. This is at least the belief I hold as it pertains to my writing (art). It has now been close to half a year and still I lack that spark to create something relatively meaningful in my eyes. This is the 2020 curse, the further validation that this year is just fucked and along with it is my passion to create. Some have said that darkness sparks the truest art, and while I may agree with that, 2020 is the exception. It is truly bewildering how my outlook on this “pandemic” was so blindly optimistic at first; seeing this as the rebirth of our nation and a “great awakening”. Oh, how blind I was to the obvious truth that the only ones awake are those fully aware that America is the greatest circus the world has ever seen. I prefer to stay away from topics like politics, in fact I have prided myself in being happily unaware of the political landscape…yet this year has just been different. The metaphor I can best use to describe this year is this: I am the wide eyed infant eagerly awaiting my spoon fed meal of nutrient rich mush, the social and economic landscape is the batshit crazy baby sitter making airplane noises with the spoon, creatively coercing me to open my mouth for a bite. The only difference in this metaphor is the plane is coming in at 300mph like a missile awaiting to blow through the back of my head as if it were September 11th all over again.

Stop and think about that…

This is literally another disaster of epic proportions unfolding before the American populace for what? At this point I don’t even care what the point is, the fact is people are jobless, American’s who sought after their “dream” have seen their hard work and go up in flames at the hands of those who call the shots. Mental health problems and substance abuse rates are most likely sky rocketing because people like myself can’t make sense of the world yet clearly see that chaos is the motive. It is nearly impossible to engage in conversation without some type of hostile divide in beliefs, people are afraid to simply talk about real issues now for the sake of inciting a riot or having their lives “cancelled”. I feel like an extra in a blockbuster thriller that is an absolute three ringed circus sideshow. If the rapture is going to happen…I think it would be a good time for it bless us with it’s holy presence.

To the 3 people who actually read this, do not be alarmed at my cynicism. I am not a proponent for mass genocide, I am not ready to take my life out of misery, I am simply putting it out there that my disdain for the world is more clear now than ever. I know that in my little bubble of a world things can be ok. However, I am someone who has an uncanny ability to feel the energy around me and absorbs it. There is such a disruption in the frequency of life right now that I wish there would be an EMP blast to equalize everything. This is where my frustration lies, that I welcome a form of destruction to bring the world back down to a state of regulation. I am not God, and I do not get to call that shot…and it is probably a good thing.

I resent my masters and their corrupt pursuit of power at the expense of the little guy. I resent not having the ability to change the world. I resent feeling like making a little change in my immediate community is futile. I guess this is the essence of my lack of peace…giving too much attention to the resentments I have for the world surrounding me. I know this season will pass in time, and I will find peace again. Vacation is only 8 days away…and I can remove myself from the world and connect with nature and friends. The world will most likely remain the same, however I can at least pretend it’s all good for a few weeks.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I have yet to make sense of the madness.

No change in silence

As I sit down to write and make sense of the world and my thoughts, I am left somber and with a heavy heart. The world is in chaos while I am in my bubble. I feel hopeless during this time of unrest when the riots are the rhymes of the unheard. Our world is hurting, injustices run rampant, and people of color are treated as lesser human beings. I am a white male, I have never really known struggle, I have never faced racial prejudice, feared for my life while out looking in an unfinished house, I have never feared harsh sentencing from a judge despite being guilty for actions worthy of harsh punishment. I am privileged and it is unfair.

I believe in one race…the human race. I believe every man & woman has a right to obtain happiness as they see fit, and I have a duty to respect that regardless of their race, faith, or sexual orientation. I believe in love over hate, and encouraging my brothers and sisters to seek the light while giving that light unto those who are still in the dark. It truly hurts my heart that lives are lost, voices are ignored, opportunities are denied, and BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS are withheld from people of color.

I truly care about what is happening in our world: the George Floyd’s, Ahmaud Abrey’s, Trevon Martin’s, and the millions of others who live the nightmare daily. I possess a deep compassion for my fellow men and women of color, and despise the rhetoric of hate and dissension that is pushed daily by the media. I want to be a part of a solution, yet I still wrestle with the fact that I might never really understand what it is I am capable of doing. I just want my heart to be heard, I want to be a conduit for change, yet there is no change in silence.

As people protested this past weekend, I camped, kayaked, and lived life without a care. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, I find it very tough to go about my daily life and act as if the current state of affairs in the world right now is anything but repulsive. Again, I live in my bubble and while I can thank God for the blessings I have, I have been educated as of late to speak up…that to remain silent is to exacerbate the problem. I want to be a part of the solution, and although this will likely not reach the masses or make some shift in consciousness to those who are asleep, I want it to be on record that I care and will do my best to be a voice for progress and change at all times.

I welcome dialogue and discussion, I welcome perspective that is different from my own. I welcome backlash and feedback from people who have walked a road I have never walked. I welcome suggestions on how to get involved in my community and how to overcome my own mental barriers as it pertains to the social injustices I observe yet do not personally encounter. I just want to know when it is my time to enter heaven that I did my part to progress mankind instead of hinder. I want to learn how to be an advocate for change! I have such deep love for my fellow humankind in ways I am not even quite sure how to articulate…yet again love does nothing in silence.

I really don’t know where I am trying to go with this…but may my heart be heard.

The Awakening continued.

As I find myself shaking away that last little bit of sleep from my eyes, I am discovering that this “brave new world” we are approaching has the makings of a place reserved for the fantasy section of the library. The “liberty and justice for all” that we have been so eloquently promised and forced to memorize is now becoming what seems to be an attainable truth for once. Regardless of my patriotic affiliation, I can safely declare that “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” are not things I should aspire to have, rather endowments I am inherently entitled to. The problem is, that our unalienable rights are a commodity, carelessly traded for power. The basis of our fundamental framework for society is essentially a turd dipped in gold that my “leaders” have packaged as a gift.

I remember during my first trip to Washington D.C. before ever leaving elementary school, being enamored at the history, architecture, and incredible power contained within this metropolis. The Capitol was the birthplace of the greatest civilization on earth. I was walking the same grounds that the greatest men on earth, once roamed. Although the concept was novel at the time, there was no question that as a people, we shared the responsibility that placed these great men of God in their positions. There was a time when this responsibility came with a great sense of pride. The problem is, that the pride was short lived.

In a sense, this was my first true awakening; Independence was a charade, and freedom was for sale.

Before I was even able to develop a truly independent opinion on politics and how it would pertain to me as a (semi) functioning adult…I experienced 9/11. I was not even 18 and I had just witnessed what would become the genesis of the America I was a part of. The way I saw it was there was never a greater display of betrayal by my own country than on that day. We can skip all the conspiracy bullshit and call it what it is, the United States of America was being dismantled from the inside. I had yet to exercise my right to vote and already I was utterly disgusted with the country I call my own.

I have never been one to take information at face value, to do so would be a betrayal of the limitless depth of the mind I have been gifted. However I found myself loathing politics and what it stood for. I had no hope for a figurehead to have the common mans voice as a genuine interest. Oxycontin was flowing freely, the poppy fields of Afghanistan were under American “control” and the pharmafia proved their reach extended far beyond that of any politicians desire for the greater good. I became ignorant to the quiet voice in me that whispered promises of hope; the prospect of “real change” did nothing but make me chuckle in disgust. Opiates were the new crack, and suburban, middle to upper class white America was being disrupted. My entire generation was ultimately collateral damage, the same could be said for everyone I knew in some way. As long as I was medicated, I was numb, I was checked out and the free thinker within me had been placed in a cage. I had been infected with a virus, once that caused metaphorical respiratory issues, suffocating my sense of liberty.

While the existence of COVID-19 is very real, the virus we are currently fighting is not truly a physical one. This virus is one that I and many of my brothers and sisters in the world have been infected with. The virus we fight is one that has corrupted that which we know to be real and true within our belief systems.

Virus (n): 2. a piece of code which is capable of copying itself and typically has a detrimental effect, such as corrupting the system or destroying data

The scheme has been progressing slowly, persistently, and quite calculated by forces that are greater than the world we are presented in text books and media outlets. There are those who have seen it all along, others who have been told but retain healthy disbelief, and there are those who act as if it is what it is. I have refused to have the veil of disillusionment draped over my souls eyes; the truth is so incredibly evident to me at a deeply spiritual level. The patriotic spirit we as American’s have been indoctrinated with has been dormant for far too long yet I find it stirring within with near atomic intensity. The ruse is disassembling at the seams, and the cosmic fabric is being connected by elevated minds insisting on a true spiritual purge and revelation. For too long the people have been asleep, buried beneath the lies and deception of our leaders. There is no stopping the storm that is coming their way. The people will not sleep forever, and all actions must be accounted for at some point. I believe we have reached the tipping point as a society, and the next chapter is going to be reminiscent of the land of hope and freedom we ALL were once promised.

The Great Awakening.

It seems almost too good to be true, the recently blank canvas of creativity that is usually fluorescent with ideas and inspirations seems to have it’s first splatters of life in quite some time. The previously dormant synapses of my brain are illuminating in areas I have never visited yet somehow recognize. I am emotionally amplified in a socially distant World; a place that is simultaneously in stationary chaos. It seems as if I have taken front row seats, center stage of the orchestra, to the greatest dress rehearsal in the history of mankind; a play that is being witnessed through the looking glass of an existential microscope.

There are seldom moments that are of such great magnitude that the entire world comes to a halt, yet March 22, 2020 is exactly a moment in time that can be the exception. Our digital age of experience has many glitches, however it seems as if we have a true virus. There is a threat embedded within the fiber optics of the metaphysical mainframe, that simultaneously exists in the physical domain in an incredibly sinister fashion. For some people the world is simply the 5 senses as we were taught: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. I would be remiss to say I believe these to be the sensory arsenal in their entirety without including empathy. There is a frequency that we as embodied containers of energy emit, and whether I like it or not I have an antenna tapped into that station. Off in the distance there echoes a distress call. The world is crying for help.


There is a revolution happening while the world sleeps.We the people are hosting an infection methodically spreading with voracious intent through the entire World. There are no bombs being dropped, but it could not be more clear that we are at war. The enemy has no face, consumes no space, it simply exists with omnipresent invisibility.

Is it possible that by creating the idea of an “invisible enemy” that discriminates against no nation, race, religion, or sex is exactly what the world needed? By collectively removing the targets off our fellow brothers and sisters and taking aim at a greater, common enemy we have the shared interest to unite or collectively perish.

It is possible that a group of intelligent, military strategists and scientists have formulated this common enemy, There also remains the possibility that the universe herself is in a metamorphosis, leapfrogging the galaxy, searching for the next frequency that reads clearly. The sheer history we are writing now is uncharted, to me, but well mapped to generations past. Life is encountering monumental shifts in ideology and perception that only physics can quantify.

Regardless of ones perception as fact, the world is awestruck, as if our conscious has just reached the summit of a new mountain and the vastness of the terrain below us is incapable of being described with mere dialect. This place is the otherworldly sensation of chills personified. This experience is happening right before our eyes, but not all can see this new world before us. There are some who do not have the strength to make this voyage, there are those who make the trek and fail to recognize the significance, and there are those that consume each cosmic footprint we leave across the stars as we travel into the future. I like to believe I am am in the latter group.

I can not help but feel as if I am traveling through time by accepting the madness surrounding me as a critical ingredient in the plan. The core of my soul is suspended, weightless, completely reliant on the laws of nature to handle me with care, as the picture unfolds before my eyes. The revolution has not been televised.

There are so many layers within this current experience of life that I am neglecting sleep tonight in order to unpack it all, and hopefully quiet my mind. At the very least it must be materialized while the subject is fresh. It is as if I have just woke up from a dream, attempting to articulate the lucidity of my slumber…only to find myself questioning if in fact I was ever asleep or is the dream only beginning? I am in the matrix, on the 3rd layer of inception, listening through the opposing wall of this galaxy, while looking through the crawlspace of my mind for answers.

The story is unfolding before my very eyes, I am merely a passenger on this cosmic shuttle taking my personal account as we wait to land. This is the great awakening.

Nothing at all.

I have found myself lacking inspiration enough to even spew my rhetorical psychobabble. I have struggled with feeing as if there is something wrong with me. The depths of my introspection have hit a metaphorical basement floor. It’s so hard to accept and simply just BE, however I am finding that it’s what I’m required to do.

Just as the leaves rejuvenate in the spring and the sun retires at a later hour, clocking in the overtime that the outdoor enthusiast celebrate; I find myself in a season removed from the writing. I can only ascertain that there is nothing to understand at this juncture other than my attentions are turned in other directions.

I hope to find the motivation to one day commit to this craft, finding exotic locations taking place of the office. That time however is not today. Today I will live a Friday night as I might typically live it…with my love, consuming spirits, and gambling on sports as we venture off into the eve.

In a room full of answers

The library is an amazing place where nearly every question can be answered. The smell of paperback novels, memoirs, historical accounts, and fictitious tales of mystical adventures fill the air. The echoes of faint whispers barely fade out behind the lofty carol of the bells playing down the hall. There is hardly a sign of life, yet in some fashion, every life ever lived is represented with an ISBN. The library is a sanctuary where there are no membership fees, no charge to get in; the only requirement is a thirst for knowledge and a hunger for information. The wifi is free, the seats are comfortable, the heat is on, and the possibilities are endless. It is in the confines of this building that I find myself today looking for clarity.

My mind is hungry, my spirit unsettled, and my direction remains uncertain. There is so much in this world that I desire, but at the core of it all I find myself bumping into the metaphorical wall of questions. What is it that I truly desire in life? Is my quest to discover my calling in life ever going to turn up answers? Is it possible to work a job that I have no desire for while pursuing a life I truly want? These are the questions I find myself asking today (and most days). Why I came to a library to find these answers, I am not quite sure.

I wish I could just turn my thoughts off sometimes. The overclocked PC of a brain I have leads me to a repetitive cycle of frustration fueled by passion. I want to be great at whatever I do, but whatever I do must have a great purpose. The allure of money is not something that gets my heart racing and spurs me to action. Helping someone get through a tough time is something I get excited about. I would rather live a simple life and change lives than make a million dollars. This is where the frustration sets in: the treasures I seek come in the form of riches that have no monetary value. One can not simply pay the bills by making karma deposits and that sucks! Money has never brought me true happiness (not that I have ever had an abundance of it to know). There is great irony in the fact that I recently made the most commission I have ever made at my job, yet feel so disconnected from my purpose.

When I get totally honest with myself, I don’t care about selling you a product. I don’t care if the potential to be a millionaire exists. I find little concern with the tax brackets above me and the amount of commas on your check. I believe in living life with purpose and living on purpose. This is quite the conundrum I find myself in however. Life isn’t fair. Money is a necessity. Being a good person doesn’t pay the bills, and having good intentions doesn’t mean the road to finding the answers is any easier, yet here I am lost in a room full of answers.

Chasing a dream

So many of us were asked as kids what it was we desired to be when we became grown. Like many of you, I had lofty expectations and dreams, which at the time seemed easily attainable. I am not sure if the line where one becomes grown is a bit unclear, or perhaps my ambitions (while courageous) were beyond my reach; the reality that unfolded did not look like the dreams I had as a child.

I had dreams of being a baseball star with the glove and swagger of “the kid” Ken Griffey Jr. My free time as a young boy was voraciously consumed with the crimson stitched, white rawhide sphere, sunflower seeds, and backwards New Era fitted hat, the starter kit for the cul de sac diamond. My intro into business economics was berthed over Upper Deck and Topps rarities and a Beckett price guide. To say that I dreamed of becoming a baseball player would be a lie, I was already one who just wasn’t famous yet.

Life doesn’t have a set course, nothing makes complete sense, and yet somehow we are supposed to navigate it fearlessly, head up, and accepting of the challenges we encounter. I am not sure if I am defective or not, but that just isn’t easy. To be clear, I know I am not defective, in fact I find that I am rather driven and battle tested in ways that give me some hope in tough times. However, the journey remains a worthy opponent; strategically providing opposition to mold us to be a better version of ourselves.

One day at a time I am given the chance to make myself a better version of the man I was yesterday. Outside of this, I have absolutely ZERO control or influence. It is my responsibility to give a compliment where I can, lend a listening ear to a troubled friend or loved one, call that someone to remind them that I miss them, stand up for myself when I am disrespected, and at all costs love myself. Outside of the current moment lies the future or past, each of which is but a dream.

Despite the fact that I have not signed a MLB contract, I still have to grow. Despite my dreams not materializing, I still have a desire to push on and become the man I am destined to be. Anything lost can be found again except time wasted. Vision without action is merely a dream, and I’m not interested in wasting time or dreaming my life away. Today is a new day!

Persistence breaks resistance.

I have always found “persistence breaks resistance” to be somewhat of a mantra for me. It is my take on the many popular sayings expressing the same sentiment: if at first you don’t succeed try and try again, even a broken clock is right 2 times a day, and so forth. While I truly believe this with all my heart, there are just some times when a break seems to be the more logical of options. In my case, I find myself in a rut and keep pressing forward, hoping somehow I am going to snap out of it. I wake up, meditate, read my devotion, exercise, do my best to be conscious of positive thoughts throughout the day, eat healthy, and at the end of the day I still feel a void. My head can be a cluttered space, riddled with a labyrinth of psychological obstacles, some big and some small…all equally influential in conditioning me to navigate the synapses that manifest in the frustration I am experiencing. So, I find myself back at the board, systematically punching keys to formulate some constant train of thought that might take shape into some semblance of a sense making that will in turn give me some clarity.

I find it therapeutic to write, it might be alphabetical vomit at times, but in the end I feel relieved to some degree (as a good guttural expulsion should do). As it pertains to the persistence theme, I am hoping that by writing regularly, I may look back and see that during this time of uncertainty in my funk, that it was truly nothing all along. I might even divulge that it is during these times that I do my deepest soul searching instead of just cowering to the confusion that could easily be manifested into complacency. I am a thinker, it has it’s drawbacks at times, however I am grateful that the master of the universe gave me a mind that requires answers and finds unrest in the unknown. There are far too many individuals that take life as it is, not bothered by the questions unanswered; accepting what is told to be fact without taking the time to truly evaluate their truth. I have never been the one to take the path most traveled. I fail to find the adventure in knowing that the journey has been done before. If there is one thing I have promised myself, it was that I would write my own story and regret nothing in the process. While I wish I could say that I have made all the right choices, I will not dwell on the things that could have been. I am who I am meant to be and where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I may be a bit of a control freak, I like to call it OCD (the clinical recognition makes it sound a little better to me). Regardless, I like to know that everything has its place and belongs in that place. The biggest struggle I have with this as it pertains to my own life, is I am truly not in control of anything, yet the illusion that I am gives gives temporary comfort. If I can just make the right career moves, save the right amount of money, talk to the right people, attend the right events, I will be able to strategically place myself in the right place to excel and gain an advantage in life. There is no harm in being conscious of these things, but I have come to learn that life abides by no rules and has no predictable patterns. I just desire to be at the open doors that god creates for me when the time is right. I must go with the flow.

I suppose I must get back to the job that pays my bills. It has been fun rambling once again to the audience that doesn’t yet exist. I hope in due time that there may come a day that I can use this platform to discuss the inner workings of my mind, existential questions of days yet to come, and memories of days not forgotten to help the next person feel a like they’re not the only ones with the same struggles. At the end of the day it is about progress and not perfection. I will press on towards the goal (whatever that my be).