Persistence breaks resistance.

I have always found “persistence breaks resistance” to be somewhat of a mantra for me. It is my take on the many popular sayings expressing the same sentiment: if at first you don’t succeed try and try again, even a broken clock is right 2 times a day, and so forth. While I truly believe this with all my heart, there are just some times when a break seems to be the more logical of options. In my case, I find myself in a rut and keep pressing forward, hoping somehow I am going to snap out of it. I wake up, meditate, read my devotion, exercise, do my best to be conscious of positive thoughts throughout the day, eat healthy, and at the end of the day I still feel a void. My head can be a cluttered space, riddled with a labyrinth of psychological obstacles, some big and some small…all equally influential in conditioning me to navigate the synapses that manifest in the frustration I am experiencing. So, I find myself back at the board, systematically punching keys to formulate some constant train of thought that might take shape into some semblance of a sense making that will in turn give me some clarity.

I find it therapeutic to write, it might be alphabetical vomit at times, but in the end I feel relieved to some degree (as a good guttural expulsion should do). As it pertains to the persistence theme, I am hoping that by writing regularly, I may look back and see that during this time of uncertainty in my funk, that it was truly nothing all along. I might even divulge that it is during these times that I do my deepest soul searching instead of just cowering to the confusion that could easily be manifested into complacency. I am a thinker, it has it’s drawbacks at times, however I am grateful that the master of the universe gave me a mind that requires answers and finds unrest in the unknown. There are far too many individuals that take life as it is, not bothered by the questions unanswered; accepting what is told to be fact without taking the time to truly evaluate their truth. I have never been the one to take the path most traveled. I fail to find the adventure in knowing that the journey has been done before. If there is one thing I have promised myself, it was that I would write my own story and regret nothing in the process. While I wish I could say that I have made all the right choices, I will not dwell on the things that could have been. I am who I am meant to be and where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I may be a bit of a control freak, I like to call it OCD (the clinical recognition makes it sound a little better to me). Regardless, I like to know that everything has its place and belongs in that place. The biggest struggle I have with this as it pertains to my own life, is I am truly not in control of anything, yet the illusion that I am gives gives temporary comfort. If I can just make the right career moves, save the right amount of money, talk to the right people, attend the right events, I will be able to strategically place myself in the right place to excel and gain an advantage in life. There is no harm in being conscious of these things, but I have come to learn that life abides by no rules and has no predictable patterns. I just desire to be at the open doors that god creates for me when the time is right. I must go with the flow.

I suppose I must get back to the job that pays my bills. It has been fun rambling once again to the audience that doesn’t yet exist. I hope in due time that there may come a day that I can use this platform to discuss the inner workings of my mind, existential questions of days yet to come, and memories of days not forgotten to help the next person feel a like they’re not the only ones with the same struggles. At the end of the day it is about progress and not perfection. I will press on towards the goal (whatever that my be).

When wanting more is acceptable

It is often said that wanting more is a fast lane to unhappiness. I am not sure that I am quoting that right, heck…I am not even sure if anyone of notoriety has even said something of the sort but I think it sounds logical. To want more is often a gluttonous behavior and is a lack of gratitude for what we currently have. I know the battlefield for the mind is where our lives are made and destroyed, and today I am waging war on the topic of “MORE”.

I just want to do something in this life to make a difference and there are just some days when I am sitting at my desk wondering why I feel like I am wasting my life. I do not see myself being a saint, but I just can’t help but scream internally when I feel like my work is so pointless. I just hate that I feel as if I could be making a difference in the world instead of making money for someone else. Unfortunately that is not how the world works, and I need this job. I need to make money to pay bills so I don’t have a slough of REAL problems to complain about and bring me unnecessary stress.

I just feel like I have reached a plateau in my professional life, and I am not sure where to go with it next. I do not want to succumb to the need for stimulation and jump ship just to have something new, but I also don’t want to become stagnant. In order to become great, it is imperative to be surrounded by great individuals. This is no slight at my work environment, but I do not feel as if anyone here is going to help me get to the next level of greatness that I want to achieve. I am so passionate about despising mediocrity that the mere thought of allowing that to become a part of my routine angers me, yet I feel as if it is accepted around here. I know what I am capable of and I know that I have a skill set that can be an asset to a company and to feel as if that skill set is undervalued is beyond frustrating.

I do not expect to change the world where I am sitting, but I also do not want my desire to believe I can to be extinguished by the environment I work in. Life has ups and downs, and I want to be very careful in my objective view of where I am at. I feel passionless at the moment, I feel unappreciated, underutilized, and lacking a support group that can help me reach the next level of success and more importantly, professional growth. While I know that feelings are fleeting, there is a fire within me that is sputtering out and I am the only one responsible for keeping it alive. I can’t blame my work, but it would certainly be nice if I felt like the lack of passion was noticed. The problem is, I can come in to work, do the bare minimum, and get paid. That’s complete bullshit! Mediocrity is a disease and I will not contract it.

I just want more and I don’t know what that looks like at the moment.

Overthinking

It is so commonplace to start the day chasing emotions, thoughts, and feelings, left over from the prior day. It is habitual to begin the day in the infinite loop of ruckus and digital pollution, giving no regard to the essence of stillness. I find it bewildering, that before I even take a moment to be present with my self, my consciousness has been hijacked by a story someone else has created. The world we live in is FAST…too fast at times. To slow down and invest in my self and conscious well being, is a deliberate act of discipline. While I find this discipline to be of great reward and joy, to regard it as easy is a fallacy.

I am a deep thinker, it drives me mad at times, and other times I feel as if I have a better grasp on my reality. At this current juncture in life I am finding that it is more a curse than a life hacking skill. There is a good chance that I missed my calling in life as an psychologist. To understand the mind and all it’s intricacies is something that I love to do for myself, so why not try and get paid for it? Besides the obvious student load debt I would have to incur, I think that diving into the minds of others might be a murky pond to wade through. However, when it comes to my own mind I often think that to accept is to understand, and that just could not be farther from the truth.

In the stream of consciousness we call life, I am finding myself in one of the valleys. It is hard to rest here, because if I am down, there must be something wrong. If something is wrong, I would be remiss to simply sit in it and allow it to go unnoticed. Yet, this is where the meditation and mindfulness correct me. To be mindful is to be present in the moment, focusing on the touch of the keyboard, the sound of my breath, or the scents wafting from the Columbian coffee roasting in the distance. There is nothing more and nothing less in this instance, including the “problems” I thought I was having. It is so counter to my standard MO because my overthinking brain tells me that this is just being naive and denying the existence of reality. So much energy can be wrapped up in figuring things out that I completely miss the peace that is the here and now.

I have no point here, and I guess that will just have to be OK. I will try not to over think that!