No change in silence

As I sit down to write and make sense of the world and my thoughts, I am left somber and with a heavy heart. The world is in chaos while I am in my bubble. I feel hopeless during this time of unrest when the riots are the rhymes of the unheard. Our world is hurting, injustices run rampant, and people of color are treated as lesser human beings. I am a white male, I have never really known struggle, I have never faced racial prejudice, feared for my life while out looking in an unfinished house, I have never feared harsh sentencing from a judge despite being guilty for actions worthy of harsh punishment. I am privileged and it is unfair.

I believe in one race…the human race. I believe every man & woman has a right to obtain happiness as they see fit, and I have a duty to respect that regardless of their race, faith, or sexual orientation. I believe in love over hate, and encouraging my brothers and sisters to seek the light while giving that light unto those who are still in the dark. It truly hurts my heart that lives are lost, voices are ignored, opportunities are denied, and BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS are withheld from people of color.

I truly care about what is happening in our world: the George Floyd’s, Ahmaud Abrey’s, Trevon Martin’s, and the millions of others who live the nightmare daily. I possess a deep compassion for my fellow men and women of color, and despise the rhetoric of hate and dissension that is pushed daily by the media. I want to be a part of a solution, yet I still wrestle with the fact that I might never really understand what it is I am capable of doing. I just want my heart to be heard, I want to be a conduit for change, yet there is no change in silence.

As people protested this past weekend, I camped, kayaked, and lived life without a care. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, I find it very tough to go about my daily life and act as if the current state of affairs in the world right now is anything but repulsive. Again, I live in my bubble and while I can thank God for the blessings I have, I have been educated as of late to speak up…that to remain silent is to exacerbate the problem. I want to be a part of the solution, and although this will likely not reach the masses or make some shift in consciousness to those who are asleep, I want it to be on record that I care and will do my best to be a voice for progress and change at all times.

I welcome dialogue and discussion, I welcome perspective that is different from my own. I welcome backlash and feedback from people who have walked a road I have never walked. I welcome suggestions on how to get involved in my community and how to overcome my own mental barriers as it pertains to the social injustices I observe yet do not personally encounter. I just want to know when it is my time to enter heaven that I did my part to progress mankind instead of hinder. I want to learn how to be an advocate for change! I have such deep love for my fellow humankind in ways I am not even quite sure how to articulate…yet again love does nothing in silence.

I really don’t know where I am trying to go with this…but may my heart be heard.

For the love of Bernie.

Bernie…or shrimp ‘cuz he looks kinda like a shrimp, doesn’t he? He is just a little golf ball head (“GB head” to be precise). This little orange feline has been the CATalyst of the emotional undertow that has slowly been sucking me under lately. To even think that when I finally sat down to document my feelings in this moment of clarity, that Bernie (my cat) was the genesis of the thought process is still a bit bewildering. For anyone who knows Berns, they know that entrapped in that dusty tangerine fur lies an incredible little spirit. If there were ever an ambassador for the feline race, Berns is the face. Now…before this gets misconstrued as a love story about a furry friend gone away, it is not (at least not entirely). The story that has been a parallel in my physical and emotional life has been perfectly embodied as the recent events that occurred to the aforementioned feline of mine.

My mans Berns, shattered his femur this weekend, and while I don’t feel the need to dive much into the obvious emotions that come with this, I wanted to try and live the moment through the eyes of the one who was hurting. Over 24 hours passed before we found Bernie in the driveway. As is customary, Bernie likes to wait under the cars, wisely dodging the everlasting heatwave that global warming is DEF NOT causing (wink wink). When he sees his mother or myself, he likes to roll on the rocks – adding to the permanent layer of dirt he likes to carry with him. As Andie reaches down to pick him up, Bernie remains still, raising only his head. It was such a small change but the fear manifested within me. I know my boy and something was off. Bernie is dirty and his greetings require acquiring more dirt; while it annoys me that he is a dirt bag, I wouldn’t change it for the world. As it would turn out his femur was shattered beyond repair. It was the moments between the discovery of the injury, to the physical outcome that caught my attention.

There are qualities in everyone that are magnetic; transcending all prejudices and preconceived notions, these qualities are life changing and vital to the life I know I want to experience. The one that seems to be resonating to me more than ever throughout this whole process is a four letter word (although not my favorite one). LOVE (n): an intense feeling of deep passion. You don’t have to identify with any organization or belief to know that love is the most powerful force in the universe (all you Science nerds who wanna argue – you’re probably right). The interesting observation I have about said emotion, is that I have a very deep need to understand it. There is a part of me that has yet to fully understand that love consists of ups and downs; the accepting of the downs as a part of the process is where my frustration has been hung up. I have this innate desire to dissect and understand everything, even if it is impossible to understand. It is fair to say I have spent over a week wondering why the fuck I am in a funk, instead of accepting the funk and pressing forward. You might be wondering how this relates to the cat…I assure you that while it is a detour, it will come out where it needs to. The subject of the quality of love I am writing about is a wonderful woman in my life. We all have this person in our lives, the nurturer, the comforter, the better half, in my instance she goes by Andie.

To say that Bernie is my cat isn’t a lie, however it isn’t the entire truth. Bernie was the second addition to the family, out of a necessity to have a feline who wouldn’t be so obsessed with yours truly (Fiddy is my dude)! Bernie was a stray who followed us home from a walk last year. We gave him some kibble and the rest was history. We took him to get his chip scanned, there was no chip…and the lost and found pages online found no claimants. It was not long before he found himself “long pawed” out (think Superman in flight) above our heads at night. Bernie would quickly identify as Andie’s boy.

From the minute that Bernie met Andie there was a connection. Andie isn’t the most emotionally charged individual so the way she responded to the news of Bernie blew me away. The impending reality of the thousands of dollars in doctors visits, surgeries, and medications, for the dusty coated stray from the library set in between the tears. I selfishly thought there was no way we would go into debt to fix this (speaking from a financial viewpoint), so when I looked to Andie for the answers there was no hesitation that our wounded comrade was worth every dollar. There are seldom moments that Andie is the one with emotional convictions, this was a major exception. There was no misunderstanding how she felt about her furry lil man. It didn’t matter what it took, she was going to get that boy back in the house…cuddling, licking, and whining, as Berns does so well!

Remember that love thing I was talking about? This is the moment that really brought this all home. At the core of everything, I believe we all want to be loved, through our brokenness, our flaws, our dirty exteriors, and even financial burdens. Lord knows that I have certainly had my share of difficulties far beyond a broken leg. I have stolen, I have lied, I had basically given up on myself and done a tremendous job of trying to push others away. I have been the Bernie of this story, helpless and broken, just in need of someone to love me through it. We all have the power to be the Andie in this story…so fully capable of loving with zero reservations, and zero conditions. We don’t have to be Neil DeGrasse Tyson, to see that a simple act of loving kindness can pull even the most lost souls out of a dark place.

I am blessed to be loved by my family, my girlfriend, my cats, and maybe a few other people. I am one of many people whose past actions are anything but deserving of love, yet somehow I am showered in it today. The Beatles once said “all you need is love”, the Bible refers to God as love, love is a universal language that knows no boundaries and overpowers all forces. It is not easy at times, and loving can be quite emotionally taxing, yet love never runs out. It is my hope that you might find love to give and receive today. You might just help someone get through a funk. Find a Bernie today and remind them that despite their dirty coat, busted teeth, and broken leg, that they are worth being loved.