The exhausting saga of the dub dub

This year, it’s exhausting. Never in my life have I been so aware of the three ringed circus sideshow that I live in. There is no spiritual enlightenment required to see the absolute fucking shit hole the state of our nation’s affairs are in. There is a problem with truly awakening to the reality of our existence, and that is the inability to ever go back to sleep. I surmise that calling that a “problem” might be a bit misguided, however it would certainly make tolerating the world a little easier.

Is it possible to identify with both sides of an argument and still be right? It seems as if everyone has to pick a team, you are either blue or red, anything else is nonexistent and lord knows the last thing us social beings want is to be isolated and incapable of identifying with a cause. Everyone must believe in something or die for nothing; this is where my present quandary is birthed. I am grateful for diversity, differing opinions, alternative ideas, and progressive thinkers. Life would be so incredibly mundane without recognizing our own individual beliefs and expressing them. The first amendment was created as numero uno for this very reason: FREEDOM.

As a human we have the right to say and believe whatever the fuck we want and that is OK! However, there is this slight little inconvenience, a parasitic weed that has been slowly rooting itself into the soil of that hearty, healthy, soil of freedom. There is no real name or face required to clearly illustrate who this parasite is, it simply exists to destroy. Some refer to this as evil, some call it the republicans or democrats, some call it the devil. Whatever the name may be, the point is that it is incredibly crafty at using our god given rights as weapons formed against us. I am free to tell someone that their beliefs are completely ridiculous and asinine, and in turn can and will likely be shamed and belittled. Our opinions are now hostile threats, our debates and protests are now domestic terrorism. It is as if we live in a world that has totally forgotten the fundamental beliefs and core values we were built upon. More than that, it is as if we are no longer allowed to uphold these beliefs without fearing for the very liberty the fundamentals were established to protect.

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

WHAT HAPPENED?! Am I the only one who thinks that the future looks completely fucked? How do we recover as a nation at this point? I hate feeling so doom and gloom about it, but I have to think that I am somewhat of a realist. The common welfare is no longer “common” and this is a huge problem. I should not feel as if I have no voice and that the cause is too lost to bother caring. I do my best to shed some light of optimism on the future but I just have a very tough time seeing it. The truth of the matter is my immediate life is satisfactory but the external stimuli of the world right now are a constant reminder that leaving my bubble of ignorance is probably a dumb decision. Am I a bad, insensitive, uncaring, tyrant because I would rather play xbox than engage in superficial conversations about our presidential race, masks, COVID, riots, and the endless police brutality? I surely hope not…my ignorance is not out of a lack of care, it is simply because I am just fucking exhausted by the endless saga of the dub dub (2020) and I am hoping to maintain any level of peace and sanity I have left.

The story is not over, and hopefully this is just the part where the chaos climaxes and we can all move into the next chapter, anticipatory of things greater. Until then, I will stand firm in my belief that ALL men and women are created equally and we all have our own individual right to pursue happiness however we see fit. There will come a day when this is the common vision and goal of even those in positions of power. Perhaps I will go out of my way today, to be that reminder the world needs in a time of utter madness and unrest.

Persistence breaks resistance.

I have always found “persistence breaks resistance” to be somewhat of a mantra for me. It is my take on the many popular sayings expressing the same sentiment: if at first you don’t succeed try and try again, even a broken clock is right 2 times a day, and so forth. While I truly believe this with all my heart, there are just some times when a break seems to be the more logical of options. In my case, I find myself in a rut and keep pressing forward, hoping somehow I am going to snap out of it. I wake up, meditate, read my devotion, exercise, do my best to be conscious of positive thoughts throughout the day, eat healthy, and at the end of the day I still feel a void. My head can be a cluttered space, riddled with a labyrinth of psychological obstacles, some big and some small…all equally influential in conditioning me to navigate the synapses that manifest in the frustration I am experiencing. So, I find myself back at the board, systematically punching keys to formulate some constant train of thought that might take shape into some semblance of a sense making that will in turn give me some clarity.

I find it therapeutic to write, it might be alphabetical vomit at times, but in the end I feel relieved to some degree (as a good guttural expulsion should do). As it pertains to the persistence theme, I am hoping that by writing regularly, I may look back and see that during this time of uncertainty in my funk, that it was truly nothing all along. I might even divulge that it is during these times that I do my deepest soul searching instead of just cowering to the confusion that could easily be manifested into complacency. I am a thinker, it has it’s drawbacks at times, however I am grateful that the master of the universe gave me a mind that requires answers and finds unrest in the unknown. There are far too many individuals that take life as it is, not bothered by the questions unanswered; accepting what is told to be fact without taking the time to truly evaluate their truth. I have never been the one to take the path most traveled. I fail to find the adventure in knowing that the journey has been done before. If there is one thing I have promised myself, it was that I would write my own story and regret nothing in the process. While I wish I could say that I have made all the right choices, I will not dwell on the things that could have been. I am who I am meant to be and where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I may be a bit of a control freak, I like to call it OCD (the clinical recognition makes it sound a little better to me). Regardless, I like to know that everything has its place and belongs in that place. The biggest struggle I have with this as it pertains to my own life, is I am truly not in control of anything, yet the illusion that I am gives gives temporary comfort. If I can just make the right career moves, save the right amount of money, talk to the right people, attend the right events, I will be able to strategically place myself in the right place to excel and gain an advantage in life. There is no harm in being conscious of these things, but I have come to learn that life abides by no rules and has no predictable patterns. I just desire to be at the open doors that god creates for me when the time is right. I must go with the flow.

I suppose I must get back to the job that pays my bills. It has been fun rambling once again to the audience that doesn’t yet exist. I hope in due time that there may come a day that I can use this platform to discuss the inner workings of my mind, existential questions of days yet to come, and memories of days not forgotten to help the next person feel a like they’re not the only ones with the same struggles. At the end of the day it is about progress and not perfection. I will press on towards the goal (whatever that my be).