In a room full of answers

The library is an amazing place where nearly every question can be answered. The smell of paperback novels, memoirs, historical accounts, and fictitious tales of mystical adventures fill the air. The echoes of faint whispers barely fade out behind the lofty carol of the bells playing down the hall. There is hardly a sign of life, yet in some fashion, every life ever lived is represented with an ISBN. The library is a sanctuary where there are no membership fees, no charge to get in; the only requirement is a thirst for knowledge and a hunger for information. The wifi is free, the seats are comfortable, the heat is on, and the possibilities are endless. It is in the confines of this building that I find myself today looking for clarity.

My mind is hungry, my spirit unsettled, and my direction remains uncertain. There is so much in this world that I desire, but at the core of it all I find myself bumping into the metaphorical wall of questions. What is it that I truly desire in life? Is my quest to discover my calling in life ever going to turn up answers? Is it possible to work a job that I have no desire for while pursuing a life I truly want? These are the questions I find myself asking today (and most days). Why I came to a library to find these answers, I am not quite sure.

I wish I could just turn my thoughts off sometimes. The overclocked PC of a brain I have leads me to a repetitive cycle of frustration fueled by passion. I want to be great at whatever I do, but whatever I do must have a great purpose. The allure of money is not something that gets my heart racing and spurs me to action. Helping someone get through a tough time is something I get excited about. I would rather live a simple life and change lives than make a million dollars. This is where the frustration sets in: the treasures I seek come in the form of riches that have no monetary value. One can not simply pay the bills by making karma deposits and that sucks! Money has never brought me true happiness (not that I have ever had an abundance of it to know). There is great irony in the fact that I recently made the most commission I have ever made at my job, yet feel so disconnected from my purpose.

When I get totally honest with myself, I don’t care about selling you a product. I don’t care if the potential to be a millionaire exists. I find little concern with the tax brackets above me and the amount of commas on your check. I believe in living life with purpose and living on purpose. This is quite the conundrum I find myself in however. Life isn’t fair. Money is a necessity. Being a good person doesn’t pay the bills, and having good intentions doesn’t mean the road to finding the answers is any easier, yet here I am lost in a room full of answers.

Persistence breaks resistance.

I have always found “persistence breaks resistance” to be somewhat of a mantra for me. It is my take on the many popular sayings expressing the same sentiment: if at first you don’t succeed try and try again, even a broken clock is right 2 times a day, and so forth. While I truly believe this with all my heart, there are just some times when a break seems to be the more logical of options. In my case, I find myself in a rut and keep pressing forward, hoping somehow I am going to snap out of it. I wake up, meditate, read my devotion, exercise, do my best to be conscious of positive thoughts throughout the day, eat healthy, and at the end of the day I still feel a void. My head can be a cluttered space, riddled with a labyrinth of psychological obstacles, some big and some small…all equally influential in conditioning me to navigate the synapses that manifest in the frustration I am experiencing. So, I find myself back at the board, systematically punching keys to formulate some constant train of thought that might take shape into some semblance of a sense making that will in turn give me some clarity.

I find it therapeutic to write, it might be alphabetical vomit at times, but in the end I feel relieved to some degree (as a good guttural expulsion should do). As it pertains to the persistence theme, I am hoping that by writing regularly, I may look back and see that during this time of uncertainty in my funk, that it was truly nothing all along. I might even divulge that it is during these times that I do my deepest soul searching instead of just cowering to the confusion that could easily be manifested into complacency. I am a thinker, it has it’s drawbacks at times, however I am grateful that the master of the universe gave me a mind that requires answers and finds unrest in the unknown. There are far too many individuals that take life as it is, not bothered by the questions unanswered; accepting what is told to be fact without taking the time to truly evaluate their truth. I have never been the one to take the path most traveled. I fail to find the adventure in knowing that the journey has been done before. If there is one thing I have promised myself, it was that I would write my own story and regret nothing in the process. While I wish I could say that I have made all the right choices, I will not dwell on the things that could have been. I am who I am meant to be and where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I may be a bit of a control freak, I like to call it OCD (the clinical recognition makes it sound a little better to me). Regardless, I like to know that everything has its place and belongs in that place. The biggest struggle I have with this as it pertains to my own life, is I am truly not in control of anything, yet the illusion that I am gives gives temporary comfort. If I can just make the right career moves, save the right amount of money, talk to the right people, attend the right events, I will be able to strategically place myself in the right place to excel and gain an advantage in life. There is no harm in being conscious of these things, but I have come to learn that life abides by no rules and has no predictable patterns. I just desire to be at the open doors that god creates for me when the time is right. I must go with the flow.

I suppose I must get back to the job that pays my bills. It has been fun rambling once again to the audience that doesn’t yet exist. I hope in due time that there may come a day that I can use this platform to discuss the inner workings of my mind, existential questions of days yet to come, and memories of days not forgotten to help the next person feel a like they’re not the only ones with the same struggles. At the end of the day it is about progress and not perfection. I will press on towards the goal (whatever that my be).