Chasing a dream

So many of us were asked as kids what it was we desired to be when we became grown. Like many of you, I had lofty expectations and dreams, which at the time seemed easily attainable. I am not sure if the line where one becomes grown is a bit unclear, or perhaps my ambitions (while courageous) were beyond my reach; the reality that unfolded did not look like the dreams I had as a child.

I had dreams of being a baseball star with the glove and swagger of “the kid” Ken Griffey Jr. My free time as a young boy was voraciously consumed with the crimson stitched, white rawhide sphere, sunflower seeds, and backwards New Era fitted hat, the starter kit for the cul de sac diamond. My intro into business economics was berthed over Upper Deck and Topps rarities and a Beckett price guide. To say that I dreamed of becoming a baseball player would be a lie, I was already one who just wasn’t famous yet.

Life doesn’t have a set course, nothing makes complete sense, and yet somehow we are supposed to navigate it fearlessly, head up, and accepting of the challenges we encounter. I am not sure if I am defective or not, but that just isn’t easy. To be clear, I know I am not defective, in fact I find that I am rather driven and battle tested in ways that give me some hope in tough times. However, the journey remains a worthy opponent; strategically providing opposition to mold us to be a better version of ourselves.

One day at a time I am given the chance to make myself a better version of the man I was yesterday. Outside of this, I have absolutely ZERO control or influence. It is my responsibility to give a compliment where I can, lend a listening ear to a troubled friend or loved one, call that someone to remind them that I miss them, stand up for myself when I am disrespected, and at all costs love myself. Outside of the current moment lies the future or past, each of which is but a dream.

Despite the fact that I have not signed a MLB contract, I still have to grow. Despite my dreams not materializing, I still have a desire to push on and become the man I am destined to be. Anything lost can be found again except time wasted. Vision without action is merely a dream, and I’m not interested in wasting time or dreaming my life away. Today is a new day!

Persistence breaks resistance.

I have always found “persistence breaks resistance” to be somewhat of a mantra for me. It is my take on the many popular sayings expressing the same sentiment: if at first you don’t succeed try and try again, even a broken clock is right 2 times a day, and so forth. While I truly believe this with all my heart, there are just some times when a break seems to be the more logical of options. In my case, I find myself in a rut and keep pressing forward, hoping somehow I am going to snap out of it. I wake up, meditate, read my devotion, exercise, do my best to be conscious of positive thoughts throughout the day, eat healthy, and at the end of the day I still feel a void. My head can be a cluttered space, riddled with a labyrinth of psychological obstacles, some big and some small…all equally influential in conditioning me to navigate the synapses that manifest in the frustration I am experiencing. So, I find myself back at the board, systematically punching keys to formulate some constant train of thought that might take shape into some semblance of a sense making that will in turn give me some clarity.

I find it therapeutic to write, it might be alphabetical vomit at times, but in the end I feel relieved to some degree (as a good guttural expulsion should do). As it pertains to the persistence theme, I am hoping that by writing regularly, I may look back and see that during this time of uncertainty in my funk, that it was truly nothing all along. I might even divulge that it is during these times that I do my deepest soul searching instead of just cowering to the confusion that could easily be manifested into complacency. I am a thinker, it has it’s drawbacks at times, however I am grateful that the master of the universe gave me a mind that requires answers and finds unrest in the unknown. There are far too many individuals that take life as it is, not bothered by the questions unanswered; accepting what is told to be fact without taking the time to truly evaluate their truth. I have never been the one to take the path most traveled. I fail to find the adventure in knowing that the journey has been done before. If there is one thing I have promised myself, it was that I would write my own story and regret nothing in the process. While I wish I could say that I have made all the right choices, I will not dwell on the things that could have been. I am who I am meant to be and where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I may be a bit of a control freak, I like to call it OCD (the clinical recognition makes it sound a little better to me). Regardless, I like to know that everything has its place and belongs in that place. The biggest struggle I have with this as it pertains to my own life, is I am truly not in control of anything, yet the illusion that I am gives gives temporary comfort. If I can just make the right career moves, save the right amount of money, talk to the right people, attend the right events, I will be able to strategically place myself in the right place to excel and gain an advantage in life. There is no harm in being conscious of these things, but I have come to learn that life abides by no rules and has no predictable patterns. I just desire to be at the open doors that god creates for me when the time is right. I must go with the flow.

I suppose I must get back to the job that pays my bills. It has been fun rambling once again to the audience that doesn’t yet exist. I hope in due time that there may come a day that I can use this platform to discuss the inner workings of my mind, existential questions of days yet to come, and memories of days not forgotten to help the next person feel a like they’re not the only ones with the same struggles. At the end of the day it is about progress and not perfection. I will press on towards the goal (whatever that my be).